Avoiding Abusive Relationships

Something that happens all too often these days is the rise of abusive relationships. They’ve always been nonexistent, but many years ago, people didn’t discuss them. Once you were married, you were married for better or worse. Too many times it was, indeed, the death of one of the spouses that parted them. It was the reason for the death that made the situation so outrageous and so sad.

It’s better if these types of relationships are never begun. Believe it or not, there are ways to avoid ever becoming a part of one. Granted, you can’t always tell if you’re getting involved with a lunatic. Many times they hide it very effectively until they have you firmly under their control. That’s when you’ll see their true colors. However, there are nearly always some kinks in their carefully constructed armor that you can spot if you let yourself see it.

The first thing you’ll probably notice is a control issue. This typically comes into play a little at a time. It may surface the first time when you’re dressing to go out and he subtly suggests that a different outfit looks much better on you, or that HE prefers you in the red dress rather than the black one. If you give into that one, he’ll do it over and over again. You may not notice that first control trick but you should definitely pay attention if he starts to dictate your wardrobe all the time.

Another thing that is also a control technique is when he starts trying to slowly isolate you from your family and friends. He’s usually smart enough to keep this to a minimum and use little things that keep you from realizing what his actual plan is. It may be something like telling you that he has a feeling that your parents, sister or your best friend doesn’t really like him. Even though you haven’t noticed anything yourself, when you care enough about someone you don’t want to believe that they’re lying to you. So you accept it as fact and put yourself on alert when you’re around the people that have been accused of not liking him.

Most likely, no one has ever said or done anything to make this guy think they don’t like him. He’s just trying to plant enough doubt in your head that you’ll believe only him and stay away from those people that “don’t like” him. This gets you right where he wants you: isolated and unprotected from whatever he may do to you next.

When you see these danger signs, it’s time to run, not walk, as fast and far as you can away from this man. It’s only going to get worse the longer you stay. The worst thing you can do is continue to stay involved with him under the impression that you can change him. That’s never going to happen. Things will only get worse the longer you stay. When you see any of these signs, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

If youve found your way here then probably either you or someone you know is going through a tough break up. I know things look bad now but the last word hasnt been spoken yet. Even if you think your break up is final if youre determined to get back together then you really can do it. Many relationships that go through a break up end up getting back together. It may sound hard to believe but just because youve broken up doesnt mean that your relationship is over for good.

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Simple Techniques to Deal With Every Day Anger

Dealing with angry people in your life is challenging, Some days it seems that anger surrounds us at home, in the workplace, on the roadways and with our extended families. The trick to deal with angry people is to teach yourself to respond rather than react: simply put, this means dont let them push your buttons. Stay in control and you might avoid escalating anger that leads to conflict, hurt feelings, and relationship angst. Following are eight tips to help you do just that:

Tip #1 - Do not respond in kind. Hostility often begets more hostility. For example, you say or do something (or dont do something) that creates anger in someone else. They react by getting angry at you, often known as "push-back." You then up-the-ante in response to their hostility. Soon, it is World War 3 often over an insignificant issue. To avoid this, remember that getting angry or defensive because of another persons anger is only one possible response. Read on to learn others.

Tip #2 - Take Their Upset seriously and validate their feelings about the issue at hand. Listen to what they have to say and hear them out. Ignoring them or minimizing their feelings will tend to escalate their anger further. Dismissing their feelings as unimportant works people up rather than calming them down. As an example of this, there have been many workplace violence incidents in the last several years that could have been averted or minimized had supervisors or business owners listened with empathy to disgruntled employees rather than reacting in a way seen by the employee as insensitive or uncaring.

Tip #3 - Never argue with someone when they (or you) are intoxicated or under the influence of any mood altering substance. In some cases, this fuels domestic violence or other unpleasant but predictable consequences. Among other negative things, being under the influence impairs judgment, decreases inhibitions (resulting in saying things you may not mean), and distorts normally astute reasoning ability.

Tip #4 - When under verbal attack by someone, force yourself to be mindful and sensitive to what may be underneath the anger. Often anger is just the tip of the iceberg. To defuse it, try responding to and dealing with the often huge part of the iceberg that is beneath the surface. Common underlying emotions are fear, embarrassment, anxiety, or resentment.

Tip #5 - Allow angry people to physically escape the situation, if they need to. Do NOT block their way or prevent egress, or even follow them from room to room trying to make your point because you may be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Take off the heat rather than increasing the pressure, as in a pressure cooker. Dont insist on solving the problem "now" (as opposed to later when the seas are calmer) while the other person is in an agitated state; research shows that after a certain point, people are not capable of thinking correctly to solve the problem.

Tip #6 - Dont become defensive yourself by attacking back, bringing old stuff up from the distant past, or attacking the persons character or other vulnerable weak spots in their armor. This is not to say that you shouldnt stand up for yourself by sharing honest feelings, emotions and reactions to their behavior. To the contrary, often standing up for yourself and establishing boundaries correctly will diffuse anger and increase intimacy.

By contrast, defensiveness is a distancing, protective technique that usually makes things worse and impedes communication which could potentially resolve the conflict or argument. Defensive people are not open to listening, and worse, are not able to accept influence or valuable input from the other person. When you are defensive, you are essentially trying to make the other wrong while making yourself right or justified in whatever you are doing---not a good strategy if you are trying to diffuse anger!

Tip #7 - Trying to solve a problem with logic alone that has an underlying emotional issue wont work. It is like going into battle with a broken spear. It just aint enough. Example: Married five years, Sandy and Keith constantly fought over how his father parents their children during grandparent visitations. Keith spends hours rationally pointing out the evidence and arguing that his fathers parenting style will not harm the children. Does this help? No, it actually makes things worse much to the dismay of Keith. Why doesnt it help? Because the real issue is that Sandy feels unsupported by Keith and further feels he should be on "her side." Until that emotional issue is addressed and resolved, Sandy and Keith will continue to conflict over the parenting differences.

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